Ramadhan is passed, the euphoria is cooling down, but somehow old habits usually struck again in just a few day. Im not saying that i love my neurotic personality, especially when my tantrums strike all of sudden, but it's just me. I paid to be sane, and i paid a lot. Let start it with a way back beyond this present time, let start from my childhood. Don't want to blame anyone else, but to be honest, my house member, especially the old figure never teach me how to act responsibly and be stable emotionally. I never really felt any nice growing time, it's just growing pains. Yes, i am vengeancefull person. It's easy to forgive, but i never forget. This is an example that a small act can occur not all of sudden. It takes time to absorb the situation, mosh it, and now you get the result. I never forget when my mom tricked me, and trick others, just for her advantages. First lesson about lying and self indulgence. It because she never want to listen to anybody. It is a never ending strains, especially when my dad is around. I know he's trying so hard as a breadwinner, but my mom always wants more. Don't get me wrong, my mom is a very heart warming and wise person, but somehow, her period and superiority always drive us crazy. She always telling us that whatever she's told to us is the right opinion, no matter what the reasons and results.
Fast forward to my high school, the hard days become alive, as told in many teen-flick or teen-lit that you ever know. I fall in love, i do my school task, but still, there's is something wrong with reward-punishment cycle that i've been through. I never really feel any reward, or regard in any kind of way. Its always this man's son, this woman's daughter, they do this, they do that, and it always makes me small, dwarfing my personality, a character killer if i might say so. And until now, i always scared to move on.
Today's event, i suddenly realize that im left behind, by some of my friends, or whom i might think as a friend before. I know, im just expecting too much from them, especially living in this hell like year. I never like 2009, i don't really want to spent my whole time stuck in this hollow, i trust those person in someway, at least some people to share, and now im grieving like all of sudden, it's my own faults that i've been left behind. And stupidly, i must accept that all around.
Family, either you're cursed to stuck with them all of your life, or vice versa, its you will power who can decide. I don't want to strangle anybody into one relationship, as a family, or a friend, or anything. I know how it feel when you're family trying so hard to control you, so i won't do the same thing. Well, you probably thinking why i'm whining now, this so called teenagers problem do affect a 24 years old guy? Mm, im admiting that im a late bloomer, who's struggling to shape his own character in this short time around, trying to be bold and honest, while the world collapsing bit by bit by it's nature.
I need this, to recollect my own strength and help others.
