3 Months Vampire

No, im not talking bout the blood sucking type. But somehow, it do inspire me to write this journal. A few days ago, i revisit Neil Jordan's Interview With A Vampire, for the million times. It is one of my favourite nosferatu movie genre, besides Bram Stoker's Dracula and Let the Right One In. As a truly moviegoers, a movie is not only about the movie itself, but also many aspects in it. so i watched the behind the scene section. there, i found out the connection between Anne Rice's vampire character with the celebrities life, that is quiet similar. Between a vampire and the celebrities lifestyle, we can see perfectly that they (the celeb) prefer to hide behind the spotlight, even though, they are, the 'spotlight' magnet. Hence to the blood sucking for survival, they need the spotlight, but somehow, they intend to hide the true nature of themselves. let say, being fake, and losing their own character. like most vampires in IWAV, who acted like human, who plays vampires.

So, the connection between this vampire matters, celebrities life, and my own life recently, is (naively im saying this) we live in a world full of vampires, minus the blood sucking, long fang, and attractive look, but more into the way they act trough the day. this kind of vampire will drain your mood, your life, and your hope if they can, all day and all night (it depends on how long you spend your time and interact with them). last year, on november to be exact, i lose my job. Quiet the perfect one, becoming a Music Director in a teenager radio station in Bandung, even though the salary is under the minimum wages, but i loved the boldness that most people there holds. being honest to the others, and them self, know the boundaries and joining together for a better good. But sadly, last year recession do really ruins almost everybody opportunities. so, on behalf of my company, im resigning, because they doesn't have the ability to pay my salary, and most of the workers there. Unfortunately, this is the place where i put almost all my desire in music and broadcasting, so it is quiet heart wrenching moment for mr. but i must move on, so, in the next year, i took a job from one of my connection. she gives me the opportunity to be a radio promotion in her company. i think this is gonna be another great place to learn, and grow my interest in music industry, and then...the story goes.

move fast forward to today, to be honest, i almost learn nothing back there. it looks like i degraded my self, after a long year of learning this and that. from my music character, the way i interact and the principals that i've learned before. there's always never ending drama, so many emotional fluctuation, backstabbing, intrigue, and a lot more. I don't know, is this the environment's fault, my feng shui or else. most of the people, without any force, embracing the intimidation vibe that my ex boss gives to them. they always said the other word every time they met, whining behind her back, but they know, she's done wrong things, that can harm them and the company, personally and professionally. they've waited too long i guess, cause they've already on the comfort zone. myself, as a new comer, try to observe everything on my first month. i put my hope to this company and its people, but what i got is the fake happiness and truly bitterness. like my partner in the same division as mine, she's absorbing so many negativity towards her, by the way she act, the way she think and giving a statement. to many excuses, and think that the other wouldn't understand her misery (yeah,quiet the misery she's making her own and focusing only to those matter). this is one a hell good first impression i guess from my workplace (my point being cynical), but i try to hold on. ironically, she's kinda reminds me with my old self. so i know, how much i hate my old self, as her as the reflection. a fake plastic doll in real life.

it's like an unhealthy regime. living and working with a toxic leader. this is one of the reason why i called them vampires. the other thing is by the way people react back there. most of them like this backstabbing game, absorbs everything that negative, bitter, and utterly deceive the light that hit them. they also like to absorbs someone ideas, and proclaiming that it's their own ideas/work.

everything finally comes to an end. 2 weeks ago, i try to set a fire there by my own action (i go to singapore without telling anybody that i try to find a better career and so on). i know, it's my own faults, but im aware about my consequences and the benefits of my own action. i can't live and be proud of, if i kill my own character for something that doesn't gives any benefits to me in the future. maybe i'm being to hard to everybody, too arrogant. sadly, im quiet disappointed. the people (i proclaiming) that im fighting for, just giving a don't know don't care gesture. they're not ready for any revolution yet i guess.

i know it's a harsh world out there, but if you kill your integrity for something that doesn't last forever, i would like to say, it's just a waste of time. life's just too short. it's like most of the people there absorb the darkness that, this character, spread through the air. there are two kind of person in this world (and my former office), whether they become the light/darkness itself, or the people who dwells into the darkness/the light. my ex boss, she choose to become the opposite side of the part that im taking, either dark or light, and the other is just dwelling in between. but we must aware, that the essence between the real light/darkness is quiet hard to define with the dwellers. cause they got almost the same trait. we'll find out when the real darkness/light is gone. they're gonna be a lost character there, and the dwellers will stay the same. so, now, i give up. i guess im a necessary sacrificial character, for my former company.

actually, im blabbering about all my disappointment back there. don't know the real connection between them and vampire. is it because they're hypocrite, suckling all the bitterness, or probably im the vampire, with my own 'dark gift', to reads someone thoughts? a clairvoyant, a clairsentient, living in a fake world. mm, i just know that, everything has its own purposes. i don't know what futures hold, or how i will survive through the harsh day and night. but i believe, if we believe in something good, greatness will come to us. it's like the life, imitates art, with their own way, with all the metaphor.

so my last question, am i the vampire, or im just being lost with all the people who dwells in the darkness that they choose as their own path?

i have no idea.

opto, ergo sum

life is just another momentum for me
it dwells...sucking me into the deepest core of feeling
the feeling that i hate the most, the feeling that i adore the most...
i never really know about my self, never the less, i hate my self all the time...
ive been through a lot sickening situation all this past 6 year...it always become a downfall for me, and it even can get any worser pass through the year...
people just come and go with leaving a mark, a bloody mark all through my heart...
it stab me, rip me, suck all the joy that i had, and leave it leak like a broken pipe...
ive almost kissed the mouth of death once, and runaway my mind from my body and soul
i never thought that i would survive...but i did...
but it just make me into a horrible person, a very horrible heartless person...
im sick being loved, and i sick being in love
it just never occurs me that love will set you free
it just make you stuck, like a bird in golden cage...
loves just gone from my dictionary
im no foolish, yet not a holy person...im just a living zombie who will get all my soul sucked everytime for pleasing others...
still, i dont know my self...

but something struck me...again...for the thousand times
i invite the glorious death, even closer, though i know that only Him who have the privilage to gives me such present...
i lose my faith, i forget all the passion i had, i dismissed all the things that my religion says, and the worst thing...i neglected all the one that i love, and all the person who care me the most...
it feels like, i become the most sick idiot person of the century
but something happened, yes indeed, it happen with a much-much more greater impact to me...
im reborn, rejuvinated, baptiszed, and feel glorified...
something inside me grows and runs fast into my vein like a crack poisened your body...
it just mad to feel this kind of sensation...cause it burns..its burning my brain, my body, my soul, but the most important thing...its burn my heart...
i never feel this passionate sensation all my live...
its like, truly...loves really can set you free...not only your mind, but also your body and soul...
i always search for love all my live, but the silly thing is, i find out that loves is all around us...
still, i cannot truly accept my self totally...but now, i feel that i am a survived narcisius, who will catch icarus from his downfall
i can see my reflection in every single living thing in this universe...
i know why im breath, i know why im be like this, i know why im sick, i know why i have this body,...and the most important thing...i know why i was born, and i meant a lot to all the people that i knew...
cause for me, life is just a decision arena, i choose to live in this world...and because of that desicion, i am here
cause with choices, so there was i...

opto, ergo sum

engineer for love

hmm...ngomongin v klip bjork yang 'all is full of love', pertama kita bakalan terpana dengan special effectnya yang keren, dimana di v klip itu bjork dibuat seperti robot yang 'make out' dengan robot bjork lainnya...

sebetulnya sih keliatannya simple, padahal sebenarnya menurut gw, its have a deeper meaning in it...imagine if we're life and be programmed just for love, engineer for love...and have a purity as milk...yang in my opinion, susu merupakan salah satu bentuk kasih sayang yang murni, baik itu dari seorang ibu, wanita, ataupun dari seekor sapi sekalipun...

dari lyricnya aja , yupe, actually all the human, all the world around us were meant to be full of love...dan emang benar, semuanya dipenuhi sama yang namanya cinta...apa yang kita lihat, kita rasakan, alam sekitar kita memberikan hasilnya dalam bentuk panen, hewan2 yang kita ternak, kasih orang tua kita, sampai sesuatu yang tidak terlihat, semuanya ada karena semuanya dipenuhi akan cinta...

dan bagaimana indahnya apabila semuanya memang berdasarkan cinta...cinta yang benar2 murni, cinta yang mungkin kita manusia biasa nggak bisa describe...

i rather be a robot that just programmed for love and care the other, rather be a human that always faking all the time...but finally someone found me in this land of despair, someone who i can relate spiritually...